Diary of a Snow Shoveler
If you don't mind the cussing and need to find humor in a snowpocolypse, this is for you!
December 8: 6:00 pm
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon, the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of the winter that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that is possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite so much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
20 inches forecasted. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway while I was putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God, I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.
Electricity’s back on but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re all too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt until August. Took me 4 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, went to the washroom, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on this truck, for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts?!?!? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she’s lying.
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.
Still snowed in. Why the hell did we ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves!
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.
Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me…..why am I tied to the bed?